Mondays should hold peace, not dread. They should be an optimistic look forward at all that’s in store for the week, rather than a reluctant look downward at my shoes as I muster the wherewithal to just get through the coming days.
I want my days full of joy and hope, moments of solitude and thoughtful reflection, meaningful relationships and substantive conversation. I want to eat good food, feel the warm wind blow, and watch Brady ride her horse. I want the satisfaction of creating beautiful things and the gratification of adding richness to the lives of others with what I’m able to create.
I want to find that real person I am who likes to keep a clean, fresh house complete with a cake made for whomever comes in and wants a piece. I want to touch Keith’s feet with my feet as we fall asleep, knowing Brady is safe and peacefully sleeping upstairs. I want a sense of calm among us, in our hearts, in our minds. I don’t want to live with the agonizing fear of mental breakdowns, deep depression, or thoughts of suicide under my roof. I don’t want to lose sleep over work stress anymore. And I want my body to heal (it’s really a mess) from the ravages of work stress that I ignored and let deteriorate it so badly.
I am tired still, but I am hopeful. I am making efforts to just be still, spend time in the presence of God, quiet and waiting. I am disregarding pithy comments, guilt trips, and demands flung in my direction. I am working solo, analyzing the way I conduct my business, and entertaining new approaches. I am reading. I’m watching the dog chase squirrels. I am not taking on the responsibilities of others or the weight of their burdens.
Everything in my life right now…literally everything…seems to be in a state of change, up in the air, swirling. Yet instead of feeling like disarray or uncertainty, it feels like opportunity. Maybe I have a chance to influence how it lands once it stops swirling. Maybe when it all settles it will bring good things. Maybe some things will blow away naturally, leave me, and make room for new joys.
If your heart and soul have ever needing healing, if you’ve ever wanted to evolve, if you’ve ever need to rethink, search, and reconsider, you’ll understand.. It’s necessary for me right now, and I’m not sure if I would’ve otherwise granted myself the grace to take time to put in this very personal, thoughtful work.
But hey, it’s Monday, and I need time. I’ll appreciate today for what it is and look forward to the coming week. I’ll do what needs doing, and say “no” to the rest. I’ll use my time to be still. Be. Still. I’ll give myself permission to let the emails sit and the demands wait. Why can’t my week start with peace, not dread?